Do you know what scares me?

When a person can say Fuck it! I don't care! and really, truly mean it. 

When they can feel that anger surging through them, 

from their feet to the ends of their hair. 

It shouldn't be like that. It should never come to that. 

There should be... safety nets. Friends, family, something... 

anything to catch them so they don't reach that nasty, unforgiving bottom. 

Once they're down there, there is almost no returning. Not completely anyways. 

That past will always follow them. It will forever be a shadow 

no matter if they have moved on from it or not. 

No matter if they pick up all the pieces, throw them out and start over. 

It is always there. That scares me.

Part of my story...

It's all so weird. Knowing how I grew up, the situations I've been through, how much I've struggled, and how far I've came. Even though I've came a long way in my life.. There's so much more left for me to concur. I'm not even half the person I could and should be. I should be so much more then I am. I never thought I would ever be "the crazy girl," but I am. That's me. The girl who had a rough childhood, who self injured herself over and over, who still thinks about doing it to this day. The crazy girl who has anxiety and depression... A pill tray full of pills to keep me sane. I hide myself behind text. I can say anything I truly mean behind text, but when it comes to being around people, instant shut off mode kicks in and I get awkward and silent. The crazy girl who freaks out over the tiniest things that shouldn't matter. The girl who makes up stories and believes they happened. Who screams in her sleep and can't decide if something actually happened or if I dreamt it. The girl who thinks nothing of herself and has the lowest of low self esteem. The girl with the fake smile and the I'm fine, thank you's. I don't know how to change that. I feel a lot of me thinks I'd be happier with a different body, but shouldn't I love myself for who I am?! I'm definitely not the skinny anorexic girl, but I'm not normal either. Its not like I sit on the couch all day and shove my face with chocolate and chips, no its the fact that I'm stressed out to the max all the time and being that crazy girl. I've been physically sick for over two years. My tummy hurts every day. Feels like someone is ripping out my insides. The only thing that makes it half better is my ulcer meds and sleep(obviously cuz you can't feel it while you're sleeping) I'm the crazy girl and everyone knows it. I have no friends and everyone thinks I'm mean and bitchy. Well truth is, I'm fucking crazy and shy. I've lost so much in my life and done so many wrong things to make things worse all because I can't control my mind and what's real and what's not. The thing that makes me the most upset about it is the fact that no one believes I have a disorder. They think I choose to be this way. Who in their right mind would wanna be this way? I sure as hell don't and wouldn't wish it upon anyone. It's a hard life. It really is. No one realizes how much I struggle. I'm pretty good at faking. Today at work my assistant manager asked what my tattoo said, and I said "no lies, just love" she asked why I chose it, I said, "because I have a hard time believing in myself. I don't think much of me and I'm trying to learn to love myself and not feed myself lies." She was in utter shock when I said that. The look on her face was filed with worry and sadness for me. -- I don't want people to be sad for me. That's not why I'm telling my story. I tell my story because I'm a survivor. Because it feels good to let go, to tell someone, even if its the internet, I feel some tension release. Even though I struggle with my issues every second of my life, I still am a survivor. I get stronger everyday. I may not have a perfect life, but I'm glad I decided not to take it away.

We're all just tired...

We're all walking around with these glossy eyes.  "I'm just tired," we say.  But you know what?  It's bullshit. Yes, we are tired, but it's not from lack of sleep.  We are tired of waking up with nothing to look forward to, tired of going to bed exhausted after doing a million things we find no enjoyment doing.  We're tired of this void, this emptiness that looms over us even though our days are packed. We're tired of the loneliness that presses down on us even though we are surrounded by dozens of people.  So why can't we just say it?  We are so afraid to look into each other's eyes and say "I'm unhappy, I am broken, I am hopeless and I have flaws."  We've been conditioned to associate pain with weakness, sadness with coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with disease, as if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something not to be felt, but to be feared.  Well, I say screw all of that.  Screw forced smiles and polite hand shakes, and I'm fine, thank you's.  Screw the fear of crying in a public place. Screw the fake chipper voice, screw the lies we spit out to cover up our problems.  We are human. We are meant to feel.  To feel everything and to feel it openly.  We are not mental - we are flesh and bone.  Our boiled blood courses through our cold, clammy hands.  We are intricate and beautiful and we should never hide ourselves because if we do, then what's left to show?

I am...

I am not confident.

I know I am smart, but not in the ways that count.

I read people much better than books but I never have the words to explain my findings.

I'm only as funny as I feel.

&& I do not think I'm pretty.

I sometimes walk with my head down.

My posture is terrible.

I think horrible things about people,

&& I let my emotions get the best of me.

I'm really not as nice as I'd like to be,

Or as innocent as you'd think I am.

I am a contradiction to everything I want to stand for.

I'm a big dreamer with little motivation.

&& I don't understand how anyone could ever be cocky or proud when they are aware of all the disgusting things that they think and do, but no one knows.

We're all broken enough to be humble. 

It’s getting so hard to be around you. Because every time I see you, I see a stranger. You’ve changed, and I just miss the person you used to be. The one that cared, the one that wouldn’t ever hurt me, not if they could help it. But now, now all you care about is yourself. Maybe you never did care in the first place, I’m not sure. All I know is the person I loved so much is no longer there. Nothing is left of you. Everything has changed, and I miss the person you used to be.